Superior French Parenting

An excerpt from Pamela Druckerman's book entitled "Bringing up Bebe: One American Woman Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting was published in the Wall Street Journal last week under the provocative title "Why French Parents are Superior" and it immediately popped up on FB being shared by several of my expat friends.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204740904577196931457473816.html?mod=WSJ_hps_RIGHTTopCarousel_1

As an expat mother in a francophone culture (I am careful not to say French because France and Belgium are very different) this article made me think.    Over the last week I have had a chance to process a few thoughts and come to terms with a few things.

The article sites (and basis its premise on) an interesting study comparing "similarly situated" American and French mothers and who considered parenting "more unpleasant."  The answer was the American parents.  To this, I ask, how "similarly situated?"  It is easy enough to say it is so, but really, how similarly situated could they be?  Because even if you are looking at working mothers in the same income bracket, there are inherent cultural differences that make them not so "similarly situated."

Here in Belgium, working mothers make up a good percentage of the workforce.  Here, the work culture is very different.  They work less hours, take longer lunches and have more vacation.  Family comes before the job and there is a better work-life balance.  I would hazard a guess that working mothers here in Europe have less job-related stress than in the U.S.

But let's compare stay-at-home moms.  I know more about that anyway.  Here,  (and again I mean Belgium, I don't know about France) children begin school at age 2.5.  There is structured, early childhood education.  Children learn routines, they learn to listen to a teacher, they learn to take direction from other adults and follow rules outside of home.  They learn independence.  But so do their mothers.

It is much easier to be a stay-at-home mom here in Belgium.  I remember my early days as a mother in Minnesota, being shut up in the house with two very little children.  My husband traveled a lot, or worked late hours.  Any activity we did, required me to organize it.  My life was my children because it had to be.  I was frazzled and worn out.  I was overjoyed when AJ started preschool at age 3, and that was two mornings a week for a couple of hours.  Just enough time for me to run a few errands with just one baby.  Here, having Miss B go to school at age three opens up new worlds for me.  I have time to volunteer, I have time to pursue my own interests, and even more important, she loves it too.  We have a better balance and I am a better mother for it.

Now let's talk about housework.  The only moms that I know in the U.S. that have cleaning ladies are the ones that work.  Cleaning ladies are really expensive.  Here, everyone has help (well, everyone except me that is, but I have control issues).  And it's not just a cleaning lady, but more of a housekeeper.  It is affordable and tax deductible.  Housekeepers do more than just clean the house.  They help with laundry, ironing and special house projects.  Having someone to help around the house on a regular basis, in my opinion, would also relieve a lot of stress on those American mothers.

I argue that French and American mothers could never be considered similarly situated.  And that makes comparing their parenting styles like comparing apples to oranges.  For those working French moms, take away their housekeepers and give them a cleaning lady.  Add an extra ten hours into their work week.  For the stay-at-home moms, take away their housekeepers.  Keep their children home until age 5, with maybe just a couple of mornings of preschool thrown in for a break.  Give them an extra month of kids home on summer vacation.  Then report back to me about how pleasant they think parenting is and I'll listen.

But maybe a better idea is not to take anything away from anyone.  Maybe a better idea is to acknowledge that there is a better way to balance work and home, and well...parenting.  Maybe that's something in which the french are superior.